well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
