I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
