Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
