I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
