I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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