dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
