booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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