Christians are straight up FREAKS
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
