$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
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