This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
