Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
