dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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