i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
