So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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