Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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