I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
