that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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