Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
