I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
