He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
