Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
