he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I am midnight drunk by noon
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
