I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
