I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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