I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
