Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
