If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
