I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
