it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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