We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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