i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
