im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
