I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
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