omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
