we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
