Already got asked if we're dating
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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