Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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