I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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