Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
