It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
