I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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