I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
