this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
