How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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