For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
