dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
