I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
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He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
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My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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