Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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