ya dads aren't the best wingmen
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
