She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
