u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
