im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
