HIV tests are more positive than that guy
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
