the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
