Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
