I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
