I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
