I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
