I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
