I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
